If you are feeling down and find the way too narrow
Then read this true story today
And maybe help you tomorrow
Look at your situation take out the positive
And use in Jesus name.

I have thought hard with much prayer about writing a story on my own walk with God, so many things I have experienced (not, always pleasant ones) yet as I have discovered over the years, our lives are like a beautiful jigsaw puzzle, and the more we look towards God our Father the more we learn about Love, Joy, Hope and Peace, but it seems that when pain sears through our bodies through illness, disease or unknown reasons, we start to distance ourselves from the ones we love, (the ones who are closest to us) and concentrate on ways of coping to get through each day.
We learn to cherish each good moment and have certain times of almost elation in between our troubled times, I find this is when God goes deeper into our hearts and shows us how to cope, to put on a brave face and look at the world we live in today and say “I am here for a purpose”. 

I believe God equips us with gifts to share with others, and I also believe a gift I have is music.
It took me a long time to start really thinking about how and why I came to write songs of worship, they always seem to be songs of Love and gratitude to God our Father, (the tune or music seems to come from within me.)
I have also noticed that I can play many hymns from the hymnbook, pick up the sound of instruments when musicians are playing together, and have a memory for the words of so many hymns why?

The songs I write have helped me through very troubled times always reminding me God is ever present, God is with me in my singing. He speaks to me, through music.
My first experience of music was when I played a recorder at school I wasn’t very good at playing it but I got through the lessons, and also from my years of living with my parents I used to have an imaginary keyboard I would play inside my head, long before I owned my own.
The other time was a little stream I used to sit by in Bedworth where I used to live from the age of eleven; this stream was along side a road called Gipsy Lane.
I would go and sit on the grass by this little stream and listen to ripples of soft soothing music, I love to listen to the water playing a beautiful tune.

Many years later one of my older sisters gave me a brown children’s Bontempi keyboard, I would play tunes from television programmes (not able to read music I used to play by ear) I also had the use of the church organ at St John Fishers church in Wyken (only able to play with one finger).
I prayed maybe one day I would be able to play the organ properly.

One day my friend and myself went to a church in Leeds, I remember there were about 6 of us in this small white van traveling to this church, when we arrived and went inside.
(I do not remember the name of the church) my friend had told me a little bit about the service, she had been before, she said she was determined not to fall back this time, I had no idea what she was talking about, but she felt very strongly about it.
When we walked up to the front to receive a blessing we both went down as did lots of other people, then my friend looked over at me and said shall we get up now?.
When she got up from the floor I proceeded to get up but I found I could not move, this made me feel strange and a little worried, after a short while I was able to get up and return to my seat.
This stayed with me for some time, “why could I not get up like my friend”? (This has happened on a few other occasions through the years when as I call it, I was not in control of what I was doing).

Another time was when I went to France with this same friend and her boyfriend then, and my eldest son who was three at the time, we all stayed in a caravanette outside the Chalet Across building where my friend worked during the season (this week was her holiday).
It was very high up in the hills where we stayed and you could look out over the hills and see a mountain called “Our Ladies Mountain”.
One evening I could not sleep and I sat in the passenger seat at the front of the caravanette just staring over at “Our Ladies Mountain” when what appeared to be some sort of vision, I saw two figures whom appeared to be dressed like nuns one was dressed in black and one was dressed in white, the one in white seemed to be comforting the one in black whom put her head on the shoulder of the one in white, they started to walk towards me, when they came so near they disappeared, then again they started to walk towards me this happened 3 times and each time I never got to see their faces, why again what does this mean first Leeds then this!

I have for some years had a sort of dream (or maybe daydreamed) about sitting with nuns praying it was so peaceful and I felt so happy.
In the year of approx 1983 I was chosen by the computer (nicknamed Aida) to go to Lourdes in France as a nurse helper all expenses paid, I traveled with the Jumbulance (it was like two coaches with a concertina in the center).
For 10 days with the disabled this was a very privileged and rewarding trip for me.
We were able to take these people to many parts of Lourdes, to the processions around the center carrying torch lights that was very moving especially when it was dark a wonderful sight, we also went to the baths, this is where you go into a bath with two people either side of you, praying over you as they lower you down under the water then you are given a robe (no towel) and you then get dressed, this left me with a warm feeling.

I remember when I visited the grotto with a group of people I was pushing a man called Kevin in a wheelchair and we stopped by the grotto and I knelt down to pray it felt so peaceful, I then became very tearful I seem to be crying for some time, because when I got up to leave only myself, Kevin and another helper were the only people around then.
After leaving the grotto I felt like my whole being had been washed through, the heaviness I felt had been taken from me.
I gave basic nursing care to these people (the helpers new a little bit about their medical state confidentially to be able to attend to their needs.

One evening we had a party (our vicar could not attend due to a bad headache), I dressed up as a clown for this (a good disguise for someone to hide being upset).
The disabled would dance in their wheelchairs it was fun to watch they were really enjoying themselves another world.
The day we did the “stations of the cross” I would push Kevin’s wheelchair up very steep hills, the helpers were to take it in turns to push them, (these teenagers came with us, even though a member of their group died hours before they joined us)
I felt I needed to do all the stations, almost like I was punishing myself for personal reasons. (Only God knows) after getting to the top I felt tired but good that I had done this (photo of Kevin.)

During the 1980’s I found myself writing poems, I have always been a quiet reserved and conscientious person as described by a friend, I find verbally talking in groups and mixing very difficult, yet I would go to meetings or courses like “Saints Alive” (a similar course to “Alpha”) Open door, Look and bible study groups (maybe I am trying to overcome my fear of?

One particular course I attended was “Saints Alive” I could join in by writing down my speech which was pointed out to me on one occasion was written in a poetic sort of way, and I was also asked if I was doing anything with them and told not to waste this gift, from this came the opportunity to write a poem about a girl who joined our bible study group and how she was feeling, or might have been feeling, this was later published in a book called “Open Door”.
I had previously prayed about two things to bear fruit this poem and what I call Gods song, and I have been amazed at this poem being published and the song to be sung during Clausura, wow the power of prayer, a very special time.
Over time I have found myself writing notes on different times nature, feelings, I speak through what I write.
I do not know why I write songs and poems, for years I would write on bits of scrap paper, card, old envelopes, whatever was handy at the time of inspiration, I tried writing in a journal book, but went back to my scraps of paper because I started to write in it every day about anything and the feeling was not the same I was writing for the sake of writing.
After writing in this way for some time I suddenly stopped when a good friend of mine died.
I don’t really know why, but I often sing in prayer, and even in what I call double-dutch (no specific language).
The first song came from singing in double-dutch, I wrote a story of its birth. “Holy Spirit Come To Me” two other songs I produced on that holiday were called “I praise you every day” and “Dreams that I dream”.

Noticing that songs came to me in different sometimes unusual ways, I decided to keep a tape recorder with a blank tape in to record any songs that came to me and I had not heard of before, this really amazes me, the more I notice that the songs I sing seem to come from my own life experiences, the ups and downs, always reminding me God is ever present in our lives, each song has a story to tell of Gods Love and care in all areas of our lives.
At this point I started to produce small booklets and tapes of the songs and gave these out to friends and family, and to people I come across who are hurting, and needing Gods love in their lives.

The cover for this came over a long period of time, I believe   through the “Holy Spirit” so I called them “songs of the spirit”, my walk with God, a pilgrim walk, mysteries and wonders, my children and husband chose the rainbow and the sun, I chose the open hands (symbolizes open to receive) and the dove came from a television program called “touched by an angel” at the end of the program a dove would appear (a symbol of peace) this was exciting my family helped to produce the cover of this song book.
Later I produced a poem book ”poems of the heart” cross with a heart over the top and four words Look, Listen, See and Rejoice again portraying Gods love for us, “Trust and Obey” but sometimes our eyes are blind, and we do not Look and Listen so we can not See and Rejoice in Him who is love.
I used to play these songs very slowly as I could not play the organ very well at the time of producing them, only basic notes, I do mean basic.
My husband has learnt how to create music on the computer when I play the organ, a lot faster now) the music notes appear, I now have music notes to read but no chords.

One day my daughter picked up the “Holy Spirit” song music sheet and produced a harmony for it on her electric violin, tears of joy came upon me as I listened to this, we also had the chance of singing this in church with the music group joining in, it was a real privilege to share this with “St Martins” church where I believe it was conceived and also at Cursillo during my Clausura, I was also able to share a poem/song, “Brokenness” with our group which was later made into a card to share with others by a Curcillista.
Every so often I would stop working on these songs/poems for different reasons, but God seems to give me a gentle nudge and say you can, (I keep on fighting this and some days become a battle between my will and Gods will) yet I am finding over the years I am learning to put my trust in God more and more.

Approx 6 months ago I was a dinner lady and I would walk to school each day, prepare the dining area ready for the children then go up to the class room to meet the children.
Out in the playground I would play ball games or sometimes just walk around the playground talking with a child, at other times a child would draw me a picture to keep, it was so special, I loved my dinner lady job.
Some weekends we would go as a family to Memorial park to play football and ball games, and some days we would take our bikes.

At home I would dance around the house generally being daft with our children, on the whole I was generally fit and active then ……  One day I slipped in the kitchen on a small amount of water, I nearly went over backwards three quarters of the way, when I managed to wrench myself back up.

Roughly after about 3 days my knee started to give me pain, each day I walked to work I was finding it more difficult.
Visits to the doctors became a regular thing, the pain got worse and worse until one day I got as far as “Bathway road” and I had to turn back to go home, I was limping and found I seem to be walking one leg and almost manually moving the other leg, this was quite frightening what was happening?
Following this I had no choice but to have time off work about 4 to 5 months, still visiting my doctors on a regular basis (this was quite rare as I hardly had to see the doctor before this) I was referred to a consultant neurologist and from this point it was tests, tests.
I was treated with Gel and pain killers, every so often when I thought it had healed itself It came back 3 months later, 6 months later, then about a year later, then 1 and a half years later, I have never experienced so much pain before, I continued to have more tests to find out why this problem kept on coming back.

A letter arrived for me to go into hospital for more tests followed by x-rays, much stronger pain- killers I had an MRI scan and as a last resort I was given a lumbar puncture.
The ward I was on was a four bed room, I made friends with 3 other people in my ward, one person in particular who was very quiet, I managed to befriend her and a couple of nights I would lay halfway down my bed so I could see her to talk to her from behind the half closed curtains.
In hospital with me I took my half finished song books, my Cursillo cross, a tape recorder and Christian tapes and a word search book, these kept me thinking positive and not letting my mind wonder off, and I was able to share these with my new friends, this one particular friend was very depressed about life in general, I was able to share some of my own life experiences with her and how I cope, how the tapes help me to relax and let go of myself, my negative thoughts, always reminding me that God is right there with me, and to help block out the pain, (she did borrow a tape to play on her tape recorder).

Before I went into hospital I was learning to adapt my life style, learning to rock to alleviate the pain, going up stairs on my bottom and putting the weight on my hands bouncing back down, I felt strong at this time I was not going to give in to this, I made myself walk, went to choir, and do normal things as much as possible, always riding the pain.
“Holy Three” All this time I would sing songs to myself, I became strong, I was not going to give in to this I made myself walk I was learning to ride through the pain, yes I was frightened not knowing what was happening I had always been active, have a go at anything, I would make myself go to church, the hardest part for me was to have to rely on someone to take me and bring me back.

I was determined I was going to keep going as normal as I could adapting to situations arising, don’t stop walking, don’t give in to this, I even wrote a song “Come On Be Strong” singing this to myself giving me a new strength.
My husband and myself started to think about ways I could get around, like a motor on the back of a bike or maybe a wheelchair. (I was not going to give in, I was adapting to live as normal a life as possible, not curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself, as this is easy to do).
I had become like the hare and the tortoise, the hare symbolizes my friends rushing about and I am the tortoise, I would joke with them and feel a peace when they rushed by too busy, no time to slow down, then I would sing to myself “Come On Be Strong” reminding me to stand firm and be strong I am not alone, I saw beauty in trees, birds singing, the sky changing, over riding the pain.

Sometimes I would become almost angry with myself for not putting my trust in God, I have always said “Your will be done not mine” now I say “take me as I am I can come no other way”   (no-one knows what the future holds, only God our Father).
I realized my limitations yet I still wanted to do Gods work, be His hands, His feet (very frustrating at times), “You Gave Me Eyes To See You With” this song showed me how precious I am to God, we all are, we were made in the image of God.

Always wondering how and why these songs appear.

One day I decided to go on a course to learn about gifts, not material gifts but I believe God given gifts, love in its many forms, my eyes were opened, boast for God, and from this came a song “Bring Out The Fruits Lord”, about God given gifts we can put to use to enable others to grow in their spiritual lives and also our selves to grow in confidence.
I am learning each new day maybe the answer to my questions, wonderings, and prayers that these songs and poems do come from life experiences (mainly my own), a sort of pilgrim walk. (I always pray about these gifts, I know God has plans but I fight them).
Around August time 2002 my youngest son (age 15) came up to me and said “mum do you want me to make you a website for your songs and poems” to which I replied “yes you could try it, what a wonderful idea”.
He had been teaching himself to build web pages and I thought this would be a challenge for him to have a go at, and maybe at the same time to help spread Gods love to so many hurting people who may feel lonely or unloved for whatever reason.
Website www.bevsmusic.co.uk

Whilst sharing this I feel very strongly that I do not want to promote these songs and poems to make money for my own means, because I believe this gift God has entrusted me with is to spread His love which is free to all who ask, this website is at present still under construction, it is being built up over time (maybe a while) but this does not matter, maybe it is useful to some one at this time to help them on their journey in life, like when I needed to remind myself that God is with us at all times (and still do) after some time I am now exploring deeper into what and why and how a song suddenly comes.
An example, not long ago I was talking to a friend on the telephone we seem to be trying to put the world to rights (as we all do) and he came out with little snippets about a Butterfly.

After our phone conversation had ended I started to recall what he said, and with pen and paper in my hand I wrote down words like Butterfly, Beautiful, Fragile, Colourful, Gentle and Free, and from these words I wrote: “If I Were A Butterfly” amazed myself I felt I needed to phone this friend up and tell him about this, I had written a song on our conversation about a Butterfly, I taped this for him and gave him the words.
Without this conversation this song may never be, he helped me unknowingly to produce this song, and it probably cheered him up, as he was feeling low at the time, Praise The Lord!
Recently during 2003 I sang this song during an Ultreya evening (God moves in mysterious ways) many people were moved, Praise The Lord! Amen.

For years I have wondered about wanting to know more and explore, yet my lack of self- confidence (quietness) has seemed to stop me (or maybe lack of faith?) only God knows the real reason, then out of the blue I saw this ad in the news paper a course on “Women Writing For Pleasure” and straight away I felt this buzz inside of me, almost like a voice saying yes “go for it” maybe it is what I have secretly longed for, and maybe this is why I can write this short story after going to only five or six writing lessons.
I came back to explore ways of being able to give to others a part of the gift I am privileged to be blessed with.
I know these songs have been a great comfort to people in the past, to cope with difficulties in their own lives whatever these may be, and I want to continue to bring (good) God to our broken world, we all have a story to tell “Everyday Blessings” and without knowing maybe change another persons life.

I believe if we really listen to God, He opens the way and He is opening the way for me in unusual ways, Praise The Lord!
For years at Christmas time and for my Birthday I would ask for blank tapes and beads, the beads to make Rainbow badges for the Rainbows of St Martins church (I have been making these for 10 years approx for the new Rainbows starting) the rainbow symbolizes Gods love and promise, the children love the way they glow in the dark.

At the time of writing this story I will say that none of these moments would be made possible without my family and many friends in my walk in life, for the support I have received through prayer and practical help, through Spiritual direction, events and happenings (All of Gods creation coming together) in love.
Why me I ask? I am just an ordinary maybe difficult to get to know quiet person, I used to almost panic or feel uneasy in a crowd, I am better talking one to one, yet through music I can move mountains, thank you Lord for this gift in your name.

I am a lot more confident each new day, and I believe that I needed to know why, so “I Came Back” to nurture the gift God has laid upon me to share with others His word as best as I can in this way, and not to fight His will any more, Your will be done not mine.
I am finding that now I have stopped fighting against things the puzzle continues to fit together piece by piece, God works in mysterious ways.
We are all part of a big jigsaw puzzle and wonderful things can and do happen by the Grace of God Our Father amen.

There is a song in search of a voice that is silent,
The one God will make for your way. 

This has stayed with me for years, now I am beginning to understand, I was blind now I see.

To conclude over the years my songs have lifted me, “You Lift Me Lord” and brought myself and others great Love, Joy, Hope and Peace, we do not always understand reasons for so many things that hit us through our lifetime in this world we live in, it could be illness, disease, tragic accidents or even war, but I am learning more and more to give God the situation and He will sustain us and hold us (Footsteps) through this time and show us the positive and beauty in all things, we help each other through experience in that field, I will continue to ask God my Father to take me as I am I can come no other way, His will be done not mine.
Flowers, the changing sky’s, birds singing the 4 seasons, each carry their own beauty.
Open my eyes Lord I want to see Jesus, to reach out and touch Him and say that I love Him.

The greatest gift of all is knowing each one of us can do our Lords work, right where we are be it healthy, ill happy or sad, God uses this time to sow a seed to later blossom for a purpose, this is where we need to be patient and wait on the Lord.

When I start to feel negative and my life seems full of fear and worry I turn to listening to music and to bathe in God’s love for me, Peace be with you, my Peace I give to you, not as the world gives it but He gives it in a special way known only to each one of us, and God’s little helpers are all around (the world) and help to move us on in our own pilgrim walk.
Life is too short on earth to just sit and stare; there is so much we can do to put a smile on another persons face.
We are all special in God’s eyes, memories of good and bad show us this, and when we write little notes at the end of the day, like me on scraps of paper, or in a journal, they may be of happy or sad times, over a short period of time you can then look back and see (especially at times you are feeling really low) and see how God uses this situation, not always as we would like, but you will see you got through those times and money and wealth was not the answer, Love and Friendship survives all through our Lord Jesus Christ “Lord You Use Our Brokenness” nothing is wasted with you, this song reminds me of many situations God has used, His will be done not mine.
Its not just about singing it’s about God’s grace and love shining through you and me, being ambassadors for Christ, Ultreya!

My health is not as I would like it to be through aches and pains, I am not wealthy, but I find great Joy in people, putting a smile on a sad maybe unhappy face, and seeing with my own eyes that God really does change people and they blossom (grow where you are planted) like a bud opening for the first time saying Hello I am me (not wearing a mask) you see me as I am from time to time, only will we see ourselves as we really are when God shows us fully, Praise The Lord!

God wants you and me Psalm 139, and 119, Peace be with you.

I will continue to help build God’s kingdom through my songs/poems/music and Christian love through Christ.
Thou I am a sinner and yet God uses me, can He use you where you are? And then together we can build God’s kingdom, what’s your story?  “Everyday Blessings”

NOW

There really is no other way
To show your love to others today
There really is no other way
But to get down on our knees and pray

For even in this modern world
God’s love goes on forever more
He shows us ways to live our lives
To gather strays, to move them on

There really is no other way
But to lay our lives before Him each day